While most people were scrambling to get ready for the holidays I spent my time in a very different way. I decided to take it upon myself to dive deep into the underbelly of this country and take a critical look at the newest threat to the American people, Baby Racing.  This back alley event has become the epicenter of vice for lower and middle class America. I decided I could stand by no more and went into the belly of the beast. The following account is my experience:

I had met with my contact “Craig” at about 4:30 in the afternoon. When we met he was wearing cut off jeans (Daisy Dukes) and a dirty undershirt. He ambled up to me and asked, “If I was the guy for the thing.” I nodded quickly knowing that any clarification may have caused my window of opportunity to close. We met at a local Taco Bell. I bought a cheesy potato burrito. From there we went across the street to a laundry mat. Craig told me to play it cool. He walked through the laundry mat and to the back door. It seemed that this was not a strange occurrence. Every customer of the place gave the two of us a look… A look of knowledge, that it was no secret what happened behind the laundry mat. One elderly lady went so far as to sigh and shake her head before continuing to grab her delicates out of the drier. As we neared the back door I felt a mix of emotions… excitement, fear, dread. Craig confidently opened the door and he walked through. I followed.

The air stank of dirty diapers, formula and of course baby powder.  Craig shouldered his way through the crowd. The alley was packed with all types, from soccer moms to meth heads.  There was a large rectangle of combined baby gates that took up much of the alley, and everyone’s attention was riveted towards that gated area.  Someone had strung a tarp between the buildings in case of rain.  As I attempted to follow Craig in to the crowd I got my first glimpse of what will eventually destroy this civilization.  There on a mat largely constructed of cardboard were babies.  The cardboard was marked with lanes and from the reactions of the spectators it’s seemed some sort of event was going on but to my untrained eye it’s just seemed to be a bunch of babies sitting around at the so-called starting line. This was baby racing.  To this reporter there was one key piece of this event missing, the racing.

Suddenly, one of the babies moved from the starting line to grab for one of the many toys that littered the track. The crowd was hysterical it was as if somebody had collectively killed each of the people’s pets. Some cheered, some cried, and some frantically pulled out cell phones to get bank loans.  This continued for about a half an hour until one of the babies had reached the other side of the cardboard racetrack.  Once this had happened money exchanged hands and babies were collected by loving mothers and banditos. Some of the babies were placed back at the starting line while new babies were also introduced. This went on for hours… over and over and over again. At one point all of the contestants had decided to take a nap and that race went on for two hours.

It was during this particular race the police came.  Two squad cars zoomed down the alley and screeched to a halt at just before plowing over the illegal gamblers. Craig hopped up on an air conditioning unit and scurried away over a roof muttering something about having two strikes. I quickly produced my press pass and held it up as the police rounded up the racers and their guardians.

To this reporter it seems like Baby Racing is a real threat. With more and more tracks popping up every day and those tracks getting more and more elaborate, it is only a matter of time until this country embraces baby racing much in the way it embraced dog racing for a time, and the country will likely turn its back on Baby Racing as it did dog racing.

News, Tenderness, Upsetness